Now that's funny

House MD - Do I Look Like An Idiot?

2009-09-02T09:37:00.001+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMAS2S51bM8
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Pac-man Chart

2009-09-01T14:29:00.002+02:00

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Mistake

2009-08-28T08:37:00.002+02:00

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Street Tubing Moron

2009-08-28T08:32:00.002+02:00

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Do not brag either

2009-08-26T15:37:00.003+02:00

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Do not beach (publicly)

2009-08-26T15:35:00.002+02:00

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Swine Flu Cause Discovered

2009-08-26T15:33:00.002+02:00

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Now this could be a sign

2009-08-25T10:04:00.002+02:00

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The Procedure, with Willem Dafoe & WIll Ferrell

2009-08-17T13:53:00.002+02:00

The Procedure, with Willem Dafoe & WIll Ferrell from Adam "Ghost Panther" McKay

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And In A Year I'll Be Five

2009-08-17T09:05:00.000+02:00

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."
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A guy that can catch a laptop with his ass!

2009-08-14T14:02:00.001+02:00

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Blonde Paints a Porch

2009-08-14T09:02:00.002+02:00

I know it's old - but for me it is legendary!

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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Baldness

2009-08-13T21:01:00.001+02:00

Are you really that bald or is your neck just blowing a bubble?
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Fairplay

2009-08-13T18:34:00.002+02:00

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Hunting fail

2009-08-12T20:55:00.002+02:00

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You Can't Put HimTogether Again

2009-08-05T12:50:00.001+02:00

What's green and red, and goes 100 mph?

A frog in a blender!
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It all comes back to you

2009-08-04T09:28:00.000+02:00

Yeap! I agree...
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Cleaning Instructions

2009-08-03T12:24:00.001+02:00

Cleare and Simple!
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10 year girl and a cop

2009-07-29T16:56:00.003+02:00

"The 10-yer old daughter of a British officer who just moved to the US, was cycling down the neighbourhood road. At the crossroad, she sees a police officer on a horse and stops next to him. The police officers asks the girl, if Santa got her the nice new bike. The girl is really excited that the police officer is talking to her and tells him everything about Christmas and how Santa brought her a new bike. To this, the police officer responds, that she should go back home and tell Santa, that he forgot to put a light reflector on the back of the bike - and writes the girl a ticket for a traffic offense. So the girl goes back home, tells the story and gives the ticket to her father.

A few days later, the girl is cycling around the neighbourhood again - and there at the same crossroad, she sees the same police officer, sitting on his horse. She stops next to the police officer to say hello. The police officer looks down at her and sees that her bike has a new light reflector on the back.

He compliments the girl on that and says how nice the bike looks now.

To that, the girl asks the police officer if the horse he is sitting on was a gift from Santa as well ... The police officer thinks she remembers the conversation they had last time and he says that yes, Santa had brought him the horse for Christmas.
The girl gets off her bike, points at the police officer and says: Then go back home and tell Santa that he should have put the Dick under the horse and not on top of it."
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Time Freeze Photos

2009-07-29T10:20:00.001+02:00

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History lesson on Renting vs. Purchasing

2009-07-28T12:50:00.003+02:00

I think it make sense to remember certain lessons we got from other peoples’ mistakes in the past - especially during the financial crises:

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!) intended up costing him $26,849 per time.

This is Heather.

On the other hand, Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!

This is Kristen.

Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Sometimes renting makes far more sense...
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High Speed Chase

2009-07-27T15:52:00.002+02:00

After an intense high speed chase, an officer finally gets the lawbreaker to pull over.

"You know," says the cop, "I was originally pulling you over to tell you your taillight is out. Why the hell did you take off like that?"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
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The Greatest Prank Call

2009-07-24T10:33:00.002+02:00

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Funny Global Warming

2009-07-23T13:04:00.001+02:00

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Pictures Taken At Exactly The Wrong Time

2009-07-22T13:49:00.000+02:00

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High Speed Chase

2009-07-21T14:09:00.002+02:00

Politician Reincarnation

2009-07-20T10:09:00.000+02:00

Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?

A: You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.
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Invisible Carrots

2009-07-17T13:07:00.000+02:00

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts!
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Sunbathing

2009-07-16T13:07:00.002+02:00

When should a woman get a suntan?

When the roof blows off the kitchen!
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It's all about timing - part IV.

2009-07-14T13:58:00.000+02:00

Not exactly funny - but still worth to look at...

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Pure luck

2009-07-13T14:02:00.002+02:00

Imagine this coincidence:
This man got $181 million on lottery on Wednesday and only two days later found the loved of his life.

Incredible luck!

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It's all about timing - part III.

2009-07-10T13:54:00.000+02:00

Not exactly funny - but still worth to look at...

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The most precise watch

2009-07-10T09:37:00.000+02:00

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Frank Rules!

2009-07-09T12:42:00.000+02:00

A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his fucking widow...'
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Daily care

2009-07-08T13:33:00.000+02:00

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Snoring

2009-07-07T14:27:00.007+02:00

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Brueno quote

2009-07-07T13:45:00.002+02:00

"Ich am like cocaine, I'm vhite and addictive and alot of guys leave the bathroom with me all over their face."

by Bruno Movie: Staring Sacha Baron Cohen
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Crisis - actions

2009-07-07T13:27:00.000+02:00

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It's all about timing - part II.

2009-07-07T12:37:00.004+02:00

Not exactly funny - but still worth to look at...

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Rolex for my birthday

2009-07-07T11:39:00.002+02:00

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.

I think they might have misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
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The cake true story

2009-07-07T11:31:00.000+02:00

Okay, so this is how I imagine this conversation went:

Dunnes Stores Employee:
Hello. Dis Dunnes Stores, how can help you?

Customer:
Yes, I would like to order a cake for a going away party this week

Dunnes Stores Employee:
WhatchUwantOnDaCake?

Customer:
"Best Wishes Suzanne" underneath that "We will miss you"

Dunnes Stores Employee:
Dats no problem. Tanks

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Widow's Future

2009-04-29T13:15:00.002+02:00

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
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Honest Bumper Stickers

2009-04-29T13:03:00.002+02:00

-- All men are idiots, and I married their king.
-- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
-- I brake for no apparent reason.
-- Time is what keeps everything from happening all at once.
-- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
-- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
-- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
-- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
-- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
-- Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW.
-- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
-- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
-- Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone somewhere may be happy.
-- Consciousness cuts into my napping.
-- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
-- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
-- Keep honking. I'm reloading.
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What Not to Say to a Policeman

2009-04-29T13:00:00.000+02:00

-- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

-- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize I was driving.

-- Wow, you must've been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me!

-- I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

-- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

-- You look just like my girlfriend's deadbeat ex-husband.

-- The question is -- do YOU know why you pulled me over?

-- I was trying to keep up with traffic, and it's miles ahead of me.

-- If you have to ask if I've been drinking, I'm not going to tell you, dude.

-- It wasn't my fault -- when I reached down to roll this joint, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged under the brake pedal.

-- That's a sweet 9mm. You want to hold my .44 magnum?

-- If I'd known I was getting a full body cavity search, I would have waxed!
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The Difference between Obama and Sarkozy

2009-04-21T12:57:00.000+02:00

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Dairy Economics

2009-04-21T12:55:00.001+02:00

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows. The State nationalizes one and gives it to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LEHMAN BROTHERS VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at Bear Stearns, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You add melamine and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive...
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The Engineer at the Golf Course

2009-04-14T09:56:00.002+02:00

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.

The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.

The group is silent for a moment.

The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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God's Dead Dog

2009-04-03T09:15:00.000+02:00

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."

Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
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Penguin Delivery

2009-04-02T08:39:00.000+02:00

A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."
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At the immigration control

2009-03-26T15:50:00.000+01:00

- Do you speak English?
- Yes!
- Name?
- Abdul Rhahib Al-Shamzi
- Sex?
- Thirty times a week.
- No, no... I mean female or male?
- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel...
- Holy, cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general...
- But isn´t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, free style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run to fast...
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Anti Drinking Poster

2009-03-26T14:19:00.002+01:00

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Scottish Wife

2009-03-17T13:47:00.001+01:00

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Katie Perry tribute band

2009-03-17T08:46:00.000+01:00

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Wall

2009-03-16T13:22:00.002+01:00

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using his cane in a very slow fashion, she approached him for an interview..

'Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

'Maury Fishbein', he replied.

'Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?'

'For about 60 years.'

'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?'

'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and hatred to stop,I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.''

How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?''

I feel like I'm talking to a f*cking brick wall!'
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It's all about timing

2009-03-13T08:50:00.001+01:00

Not exactly funny - but still worth to look at...

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Natural Born Citizen

2009-03-05T09:05:00.000+01:00

The following is a funny and true story occurring in an AP Government class at Santa Fe High School.

In one civics class, the young adults were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It is pretty simple.

The candidate must be a natural born citizen and at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair the requirement to be a natural born citizen is. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was just taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating:

"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

They walk among us and they vote.
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Drinking beer is not good!?

2009-03-04T13:03:00.001+01:00

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Trap A Polar Bear

2009-03-04T10:57:00.002+01:00

Q: How do you trap a polar bear?

A: You cut a hole in the ice. Line it with peas. When the bear bends over to take a pee, you kick him in the icehole.
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Potential & Reality

2009-03-03T08:36:00.002+01:00

A kid asks his father for help on a writing assignment. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up thoughtfully and says, "I'll demonstrate. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but asks his mother. "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

"Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."

He then goes to his sister's room. "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

She replies, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father. "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on $2 million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two sluts."
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Moses Meets Dubya

2009-02-27T08:39:00.002+01:00

George W. Bush was getting off of Airforce One in Israel, when he walked passed Moses, who didn't seem to notice him. He turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"

Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"
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Job Interview

2009-02-24T13:18:00.002+01:00

Jp, new ideas are needed these days...
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The Ranch Hand

2009-02-23T10:20:00.002+01:00

A very good-looking female ranch operator decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job.

One was gay and the other a drunk.

She decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

Upon returning at around two-thirty the following morning, and upon entering
the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
glass
of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
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The 2008 World Submarine Racing Championships

2009-02-23T10:13:00.001+01:00

Well, ...What the hell did you expect to see?!
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This Year Fashion Trends for Investment Bankers

2009-02-20T15:20:00.002+01:00

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Scared Baby

2009-02-19T14:32:00.001+01:00

Scared Baby - For more amazing video clips, click here
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Leave office early

2009-02-19T11:11:00.002+01:00

Moral of the story : In these cost cutting days, leave office early.
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The times are changing

2009-02-13T13:02:00.002+01:00

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Woman makes it greater

2009-02-13T12:58:00.002+01:00

"Whatever you give to woman, she will make it greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."
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How geek makes twins

2009-02-12T11:36:00.000+01:00

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When I grow up

2009-02-11T13:26:00.000+01:00

Here's the reply the teacher received the following day:

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

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Madoff - Idea

2009-02-10T12:35:00.000+01:00

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New car

2009-02-10T08:39:00.002+01:00

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Tickle Me Elmo:

2008-12-19T14:26:00.001+01:00

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee..

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...' __________________________________

New Male Performance Drugs

2008-12-19T14:25:00.004+01:00

With the success of Viagra, many new performance drugs for men go into development:

--PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

--COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82% of middle-aged men noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

--BUYAGRA: Married men report a sudden urge to buy their wives gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: whether the results extend to not minding when women spend money on themselves.

--ANTI-AGRA: Promises the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on U.S. Senators.

--NOSPORTAGRA: This drug makes men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

--FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases into air freshener.

--FLYAGRA: This drug shows great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).

--LIAGRA: This drug helps men lie more successfully when asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Political Strength versions.
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New Male Performance Drugs

2008-12-19T14:25:00.003+01:00

Sell!! Buy!!

2008-10-27T09:04:00.001+01:00

Click on the picture...
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An Investment Banker Walks Into a Bar…

2008-10-27T09:03:00.001+01:00

Q: What’s the definition of optimism?
A: An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday evening.

***

An investment banker said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one in the street yesterday.

***

A man went to his bank manager and said: ‘I’d like to start a small business. How do I go about it?’ ‘Simple,’ said the bank manager. ‘Buy a big one and wait.’

***

The credit crunch is getting bad, isn’t it? I mean, I let my brother borrow a tenner a couple of weeks back, it turns out I’m now Britain’s fourth biggest lender.

***

Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon?
A: A pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

***

Q: What is the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A; The pizza can still feed a family of four.

***

Q: What does a hedge fund manager with no fund to manage say?
A: Would you like fries with that sir?

***

Q: What is the capital of Iceland?
A: About $3.50

***
I tried to get cash from the ATM today but it said “insufficient funds.” I don’t know if that meant them or me.

***
Mark Twain was ahead of the curve: “October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.”
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MEN & WOMEN (oldies goldies)

2008-09-04T09:43:00.001+02:00

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Don't Question Your Health Care Professionals

2008-05-05T10:51:00.000+02:00

A man went to see his doctor.

"You need to stop masturbating," the doctor said.

The man asked, "Why?"

The doctor replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
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Why ZeroCal™?

2008-04-01T09:28:00.001+02:00

For those with "calorie issues"...

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Chastity Belt

2008-02-27T08:38:00.000+01:00

A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?' " he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"
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Rabbi and Priest

2008-02-23T19:06:00.000+01:00

A Rabbi and a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it. The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
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Name That Animal, Kids

2008-02-23T18:31:00.001+01:00

Eddie's first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.
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Wine or Water?

2008-01-18T12:23:00.000+01:00

Benjamin Franklin said:

In wine there is wisdom.

In beer there is freedom.

In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) -- bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:

Water = Poop,

Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit .

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service
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Girl and Dog

2008-01-18T10:56:00.001+01:00

A little girl and her dog are walking through the forest when they suddenly fall into a pit. They scramble and scramble but can't make their way out. The little girl yells, the dog barks, but no one is around to hear their calls for help. Slowly, the night sky turns black and they find themselves engulfed in utter darkness.

Off in the distance, the wolves begin howling. Each howl is louder and closer than the last.

The little girl holds the dog close to her chest and says sadly to the dog, "This is the worst mess in which ever have found ourselves, my darling Sparky."

"Yeah," the dog says, "we're really screwed."

"Sparky," the girl says, astonished, "I didn't know you could talk."

"Well," the dog says, "I was kinda waiting for the right time to tell you."
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Lawyer vs. Water Fowl

2008-01-07T14:57:00.000+01:00

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can''t do and a lawyer should do?

A: Stick his bill up his ass.
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Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

2007-12-27T14:51:00.001+01:00

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because the sound of zippers scares the sheep away.
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A little boy wrote to Santa ...

2007-12-27T09:03:00.000+01:00

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother." __________________________________

Two Things In The Air

2007-12-27T08:39:00.000+01:00

What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?

Her feet!
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Red, White & Blue Christmas

2007-12-24T14:08:00.000+01:00

Q: What's red, white and blue and makes the entire community happy?

A: Smurfette deep-throating a candy cane.
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Blonde and Waitress

2007-12-16T19:09:00.001+01:00

Q: What did the blond customer say after reading the buxom waitress' name tag?

A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one?'' __________________________________

Religious Nuts

2007-12-14T14:28:00.001+01:00

There were four country churches in a small Texas town: The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
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THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

2007-12-14T09:12:00.001+01:00

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad,
how many kinds of boobies are there?' The father, surprised, answers,
'Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's
breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are
like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions.' 'Onions?' 'Yes, you see them, and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, 'Mom, how many
types of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie
is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like
a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a
Christmas tree.' 'A Christmas tree??'

'Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.'
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Talk dirty

2007-12-12T14:15:00.000+01:00

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.
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Airy Sex

2007-11-28T22:59:00.000+01:00

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any. __________________________________

Incontinent Vegetarian

2007-11-26T14:50:00.000+01:00

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter.
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Deadbeat in a Bar

2007-11-25T16:55:00.001+01:00

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
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Blond Father

2007-11-23T15:23:00.000+01:00

A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"
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Age-Old Riddle

2007-11-21T17:01:00.001+01:00

If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?
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No Reflection Prank

2007-11-21T08:54:00.001+01:00

via videosift.com
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